A Day in the Life of Cranky McJudgy-Pants
I've been thinking about this blog and what I am really trying to accomplish with it. My original goal was to shine a light into what it’s like to try to follow Jesus as a somewhat perfectionist career mom in the present age. By doing so, I hoped to give insight to those who don't claim to follow Jesus on why Christians might seem a bit odd or take positions on topics that feel out of step with modernity. I also hoped that providing some transparency in my walk would be an encouragement to other follows of Christ as I share my difficulties. Life does not disappoint in giving me inspiration for things to write about, unfortunately life also does not disappoint in giving me things to fill my time with, so my writing is not as prolific as I would hope. I have made a very small step toward an endeavor (i.e. book) I've been dreaming of for years but haven't had the time, the encouragement, the inspiration, or more so the kick in the pants needed to fully pursue it. Just a few weeks into my plan to bring this into fruition and I'm already 2 weeks behind my goal, but small progress is still progress. I do have a new laptop dedicated to writing and lots of scattered notes across multiple apps and notebooks from which to draw so I'm hoping it will all come together eventually if I keep chipping away at it. I am also registered to attend the She Speaks conference at the end of July put on by Proverbs 31 and the ever transparent Lysa Terkeurst. I'm pretty excited about it and have a room with an extra bed if anyone wants to join me so I don't have to go alone. I was thinking maybe my husband could come with me, but he's got jury duty starting July 8 through the end of September so he'll be grounded then. So I'm really serious. Anyone want to come? You have to pay your way into the conference, but I'll pick up the hotel tab.
In the interest of being a better disciple of the Lord, I have been reading and ingesting great books written by super brilliant people. I have also been praying that the Lord would open my eyes to see people as He see them and work on my heart to be humble and treat others with respect, dignity, and compassion. I went through a season of difficulty spiritually over the winter (for me the question "will this winter ever end?" took on a literal as well as a metaphorical meaning) and almost walked away from our church completely. Ever faithful, the Lord yanked back on the tether that binds me to Him and drew me back in. He pretty much had to hit me over the head with a two by four and almost gave me whiplash, but He got my attention again and I have been hungry for Him ever since, and going through a period of growth, that I hope never ends. But I know me and I suspect that it will be over before I know it so I am trying to soak up everything I can during this time and praying, praying, praying that He won't let me drift back out again. So since April, I have read "With" and "Futureville" by Skye Jethani, "The Call" by Os Guinness, "The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Ortberg, "Amazing Grace" byEric Metaxas and I'm about 3/4th of the way through "The Divine Conspiracy" by Dallas Willard, which is a lot for me. And "The Divine Conspiracy" is completely blowing my mind. Completely. Life will never be the same for me after reading this book. At least I hope it won't. I have also been binge streaming the "Holy Post" Podcast by Phil Vischer (creator of Veggie Tales) and Skye Jethani. I HIGHLY recommend it to Christians and Non-Christians alike. It is simply fantastic. Just search for it on iTunes. It's been around since 2012 and I only recently found out about it so I'm trying to catch up. I'm almost through the first year and the commentary on the issues and challenges of the day are very intelligently, humorously, and compassionately laid out. I learn something theologically every time I listen. I cannot recommend it enough.
So all this great input is going on, I think I'm taking steps of obedience in trying to write and making a little progress, and the Lord is helping me to see people the way He sees them. I would struggle with this at times and feel a prompting but ignore it and would beg the Lord to give me another chance. "Don't give up on me". I said. "I will get this eventually. Keep helping me." And then finally the other night I had this wonderful moment the other where I felt like I was really in tune to and obeyed the Holy Spirit and was a blessing to someone. It was a small victory on this path to being a true disciple, but it was a victory none the less, and I was on such a high afterward. But lest I ever get too proud, every great victory is followed by defeat. Pride comes before the fall. And yesterday was not just a little slip down the slope. Nope. It was a catastrophic back flip sideways summersault with a fumbled landing on rocks which slipped underneath my feet and started an avalanche of contempt that sucked me into it and raced down the side of the mountain leaving me back at the bottom wondering how in the world I ever was able to reach such a height, despicable being that I am. My prayer at the end of the day started like this, "Dear Lord, I fail." There surely was some test going on and I failed miserably. I'm such a perfectionist and I so desperately want to be an A student when it comes to following Jesus. I have this wonderful image in my mind of what I would look like and how I would behave as that A student, as a true, good, disciple living in His kingdom. And that image gets clearer as I read more, pray more, and spend time with Him. So it's not that I don't know what the goal is here, I just fail. Now some would read that and start with, "well we can't do these things in our own strength..." No need to remind me. I know that quite well by now, so I'm trying not to take the failure too hard, but Lord do I ever need your help in everything. As I have said before, I am so desperately incapable of following Him. So for your edification (or entertainment, I'm not sure which) here is a h a day in the life of Cranky McJudgy-Pants. It will become strikingly obvious why I have given myself this moniker. I can safely say that my reactions to the minor annoyances of the day did not demonstrate any connection to what Dallas Willard would call "kingdom living".
The day started harmless enough. Maggie had an eye appointment mid-morning so I worked from home. That meant a somewhat more relaxed morning than usual, which I was thankful for after 2 chaotic mornings of having to get to downtown early for a leadership conference. I even went to bed at a reasonable hour the previous night and almost had a full 8 hours. So aside from the rain (which at this point, what else was new) the day was poised to be great. But something inside of me was not. I awoke feeling mildly rested, read my morning devotion, had some brief snuggles with Maggie (the brevity was her choice) and even read a few pages in Willard's book. The morning routine was simple and straightforward enough. No complications, except changing out my Invisalign aligners inviting a bit more pain into my mouth for the day. So I came downstairs, opened my laptop, made my morning shake and dove into work.
I was going to start with reviewing some program documents that were the topic of discussion in Monday morning's meeting. The organizers actually never sent me the documents prior to the meeting, which made for a fun discovery on a Monday, so I dragged these documents with me everywhere I went to review them the first chance I got, since my feedback was technically already late. "It's fine." I said on Monday, "I likely would not have had a chance to review them prior to our meeting today anyway, so you may have actually helped me out." Except now this document has mocked me and teased me every time I saw it. It reminded me that I hadn't reviewed it yet. It reminded me that I procrastinated because reviewing the 30+ pages of questions and answers about boring insurance stuff isn't exactly something I was just itching to do. So as I settled in to get my work started I was already feeling behind and like a loser for not having already reviewed this document (in what time I don't know), and I also starting to rethink all my life's choices, as there was a nagging part of me that thinks that given my profession I should probably be a little more excited to read about "boring insurance stuff."
While this was going on in my head I fell into the abyss of e-mail. Don't you love it when you log into work and you already have a dozen or more unread e-mails waiting for you? Many of them were simple reports that I quickly reviewed and filed. But then there was that one about the important presentation next week. They had asked for updates to slides by end of day Monday (which I had 4 slides and no updates) and they gave me until the end of the week to get my notes together. Usually I delay longer on notes, if I even write any, but I will be traveling during this meeting so I won't be present so I knew I needed to write a script for whoever was going to present my slides. And I wasn't planning on writing them until the afternoon when I got back in the office after Maggie's appointment. But here was the "final" presentation and notes. "Great," I thought sarcastically, " just what I need, more pressure to get those notes written. Did they think to mention that I had until the end of the week to provide my notes and here they are sending them to my boss who will obviously know that my notes aren't updated and it will look like I'm the one who can't meet any deadlines."
I continued through the sea of e-mail, one message of annoyance after another, with the program documents still beside me, untouched, and mocking. I looked at my watch. It was time to head out to Maggie's appointment. I gathered my things, which includes one backpack for the laptop & work papers, my lunch and snacks; one bag of workout clothes and sneakers; my purse for everything else; and my water bottle - freshly filled of course. I whined inside and told myself that joke again about all the literal and figurative baggage I carry around. As I was getting into the car I got a text from my husband that he had picked Maggie up and was on his way. I replied back that I was leaving then and hoped that he would wait for me as the sitter's house is only 2 minutes away. No such luck. I had a general idea of where the doctor's office was but didn't want to have to employ the GPS and hoped that I would catch up with them on the road. No such luck. As I got off the interstate I check the find my friends app to locate him and see how far ahead he was. He was no more than a mile or two ahead of me, but alas I had to launch the GPS. Even with the GPS I still almost turned into the wrong complex and ended up being "that person" on the road who obviously doesn't know where she's going. I grumbled inside something about how if someone had been more considerate... I arrived at the medical center and in the parking lot was a big blue truck like my husband's. I, of course, assumed it was his, and passing it noted that they had already vacated the vehicle and fled inside. I pulled into a parking spot, far away from the entrance because the place was swarming with people, and grumbled some more about how we were almost half an hour early and yet he couldn't wait 2 minutes for me.
Now in this medical center, they do not have separate offices based on specialty. They have one reception area and waiting area that services multiple specialists. We were there for the eye doctor. Sick people usually don't visit the doctor so in a normal practice picking up germs would be less of a concern. In this case with us seeing a pediatric ophthalmologist sharing a space with many other pediatric specialists, including an urgent care doctor, the risk for germs was high. And my over-scheduled germaphobe self who does not have time to be sidelined by disease was getting on edge about entering this building that had kids flooding inside and outside of it. I didn't remember it being this busy last time. I was already feeling stressed and mad at my husband for not waiting for me, and a bit like a creep for entering a children's health complex without a child when I got stuck in the elevator (I looked for stairs... trust me) with a woman pushing a stroller with a total of 5 children in tow. She seemed a bit slow of mind and not well off (judgment 1) and the kids all resembled her but appeared to be different enough from each other in coloration that I suspected they had different fathers (judgment 2). At this point the Holy Spirit starting flicking my heart and thumping my head. "What difference does any of that make? What business is it of yours?" I had been caught. OK. He was right, I just needed to be kind and never mind. I tried to eek out a smile at the children. I think I creeped them out as one clung a bit closer to the woman as they exited the elevator. I was impatiently still behind them as they struggled to get the door open. I found myself torn between the options of darting ahead of them and holding the door and helping them. I chose the latter but hated every moment of it.
Inside the reception/waiting area was a zoo. Kids. Were. Everywhere. I like my kids, and I try to like others, but mostly they scare me. I am weak and don't know what to do with them and they know it and exploit it. They are also mean. True story. Reason #735 why I'm not an elementary educator: kids scare me. I'm scanning this room expecting to see my husband and daughter, but they are nowhere to be seen. I noticed the receptionist looking at me. She noticed I was childless and she appeared to be keeping an eye on me. In reality she was probably just wanting to ask to help me, but I was stuck in my head and made her thoughts about me for her. So I pull out my phone, hesitated for a moment because they are sometimes forbidden in these places, look for a sign to that effect, see none, and proceed to text my husband inquiring as to his whereabouts, hoping that they had already been taken back. It takes him longer than I felt was appropriate to respond that he was almost there because he stopped to get our little angel a snack. Flabbergasted I replied to him that he was already there because I saw his truck. I don't think that text was received well by him because his reply was something to the effect of, "are you going to believe the words I'm saying or not?" Irate, as his level of inconsiderateness of me had increased exponentially, I headed back outside to greet him fully intent to give him a piece of my mind. And I did. Outside the complex, as he approached I gave him an earful about how he should have waited for me and how if he was going to stop he needed to let me know. I think most reasonable people would agree with my arguments and conclusions. But the Holy Spirit was not agreeing with my choice of how to deal with the situation. But this time I was ignoring Him. I fail. My husband did, however, acknowledge his inconsiderateness, though pleaded ignorance to having received my text indicating I was on my way as well. Trying to redeem the moment I mentioned that I think I may be grouchy and tried to confess that I found myself unable to stop the irritability train. I hoped the confession would stop the madness in my mind. It did not.
Inside again, but this time not like a creep at a children's clinic with no child, we decide that the child needs to go potty. I noticed her gait resembled the pee-pee dance more than my comfort level would endure. Because I am weak she will not potty for me reliably, but daddy is scary so she tinkles on demand for him. We opted to let daddy take her. On the way into the restroom he gestures to the "well" child waiting area and suggested I wait there. I looked over and there were no seats to be had in the well area. They were all occupied, well some were benches that had children lying across them, so properly seated children would have allowed for 2 more people in the area but these were children who weren't interested in sitting properly. Irritated I waited outside the bathroom door occasionally glancing into the well waiting area. I observed that there was only one adult and like, a lot of children, at least 7, and they all looked alike. Like the woman in the elevator they also looked a little slow and of modest means. My husband emerged from the bathroom triumphantly as the toddler did as she was instructed and we avoided an accident. I muttered something about how there wasn't room in the well area and we found a place to sit in the not well area but far enough away from the other children in that space that we felt OK to breathe, but not enough OK to let Maggie tough the table as it looked like it had been streaked with disease and smeared with germs. I said something about all those kids looking alike and this time the Holy Spirit spoke through my husband who encouraged me to drop it and stop talking. Shortly thereafter we were called back and rescue from the chaos. I tried throughout the appointment to relax and breathe and ask for help in irradiating the crankies. It worked for awhile.
Though I scored a great parking spot at the office, my exorcism of the crankies didn't last long. In my haste to get into the building and deal with those pesky presentation notes I forgot to get my badge out of my purse. You'd think that having to wear and present the badge 5 days a week I'd be less inclined to forget it, but at least once a week I manage to leave it in my purse and them stand awkwardly in the lobby trying to find it in my purse. This scene was especially awkward yesterday as it had somehow gotten wrapped around something else and I had to empty half the contents of my purse to retrieve it. Once around my neck I proceeded to the door past the guard who I usually try to greet with a smile, but on this day, after the purse ate my badge I walked past without acknowledging her. I felt guilty. And that guilt seemed to feed the beast that was brewing inside.
As I came off the elevator there were two women talking together. Seeing me they quickly relocated their conversation in the hall away from my office and hushed their tones. Now I really doubt they were talking about me... probably someone else if I had to guess, or some kind of new intrigue in the office, but the crazy brain got a little defensive and started wondering... Finally in my office I decided the right thing to do was to close my door to protect the rest of the office from me. I usually try to change my verse of the day calendars and take a moment to reflect before diving in, but those presentation notes had to be written so I went to them first. I was, however, continually distracted in my mind by the other things I had to accomplish, including some drawer rearranging in order to remain compliant with our clean desk policy and not get frustrated every morning when I have to unlock my file drawers for my tea and sugar, spoon, or fork. I wanted to support this important policy, and I especially didn't want to fail the threatened random testing. Since I continually would forget and would leave the keys in the side of the credenza cabinet (which surely would result in a fail) I knew I needed to move some things around so I wouldn't have to lock that stack of drawers and I would have one less frustration every morning. Because I had a couple hours without meetings to get things done, I knew I wanted to accomplish that task that afternoon. I made a list of must dos for the day and then turned to my e-mail to pull up the presentation so I could make my notes. There in my inbox lurked another meeting invite for the afternoon that would eat into MY time to get my desk organized, the notes written, the new control written, the placement schedule revised, the program file reviewed, etc. So I did what any mature person would do: I ignored it, and hid in my office with my door closed focused on my to-do list, after I grumbled about it and muttered to myself something about everybody wanting something from me.
As I was finishing the last line on the speaker notes I heard a knock at the door. UGH! Why can't they all just leave me alone! I typed the next line, considering whether I would answer. I ultimately decided do, but said kind of sternly, "come in". The door cracks open and I see the face of our Thursday plant waterer there to water the plant in my office. Immediately relieved and ashamed I heartily invited her in and told her that she was OK to come in. She remarked back that she wasn't sure, she heard the typing and didn't want to bother me. I assured her all was well and apologized for my initial response. She then shared that she had been yelled at already earlier "across the hall" and mentioned my boss' name. Note to self: the boss if feeling even more cranky than I am! I am too familiar with his potential for crankiness, though after 6.5 years we've managed to finally work well together so I've learned to roll with it and recognize that its not me who causes it, but I was feeling even more ashamed for being in the same category as he was for being mean to the nice plant lady. So I resolved to do better, pleaded a little more with the Lord and finished my notes.
The next hour and a half went well, but I was on edge trying to make sure I got those files done. I reasoned with myself that I could take my other work home and do it in the evening if I HAD to, but that I couldn't move my files around the office from one. Toward the end of my unscheduled time I was starting to panic whence of my team members stopped by. We quickly resolved one issue she needed to discuss and then we went into another one. It was going to require a review, one that I didn't have time for and I got a little snippy. I, of course apologized and told her I was in a bad mood, but inside I knew it was no excuse. Then as I went to my previously scheduled meeting, as I walked through the door this team member said, "I thought you were going to meet with [so and so] first". And I snapped, "I have things I have to get done today!" Now that wasn't necessary and I apologized and tried to excuse myself, again insufficiently. And then I even invoked the plant lady's story as evidence that it wasn't just me, it was "in the air" so to speak. We went on to have a good meeting and I proceeded to the next. I tried to be in a good humor by joking at the beginning, "whoever doesn't want to be here raise your hand", sticking my hand straight into the air. I was not the only one, and that got us off to a jovial start. The meeting was fairly productive.
My last meeting over I returned to my office to eat my snack and hopefully cross a few small things off my list before leaving for Jazzercise. Things were going OK, and I even decided to stay a little longer and skip Jazzercise for the evening so I could get more done and relieve that burden of having so much work hanging over my head, until I got another message from the people about the presentation and notes, now insisting that someone fill in for me in my absence as they did not feel comfortable presenting my topics, despite my having written them a script. I saw red. I texted my husband that these people were "on my list" - because every good disciple of Christ has a list of people they wish harm on, right? I'm shaking my head as I type this now. I fail. But it wasn't over. I took this ugliness on a road show and had to "vent" to a coworker on my way out. The commiseration did feel a little better, but it didn't serve any kingdom purpose. In fact, it did the opposite and demonstrated another example of a terrible witness.
I made it home without further incident and tried to put the crankies behind me yet again. I resolved to write about the day to serve as somewhat of a confessional, to demonstrate to fellow disciples that we all have THOSE days and to let those who aren't disciples have a peek at the internal conflict that arrises as we seek to do good, but find ourselves indulging our selfishness and anger. I am so far from perfect. I think about how Jesus would have gone about that day and how different it would have looked. He wouldn't have judged the other families at the clinic. He would have been kind in his interactions. And He would have dealt lovingly and directly with the people who were in charge of the presentation instead of spewing their lack of cooperation to His coworkers. How I long to be that person who never snaps or snips, complains or commiserates, condemns or criticizes. I want to want to always think of others first but I have so far to go. Somedays I just wake up like this and no matter what I do or pray or journal or read I can't break out of it. Maybe on this day it was because of the new aligners hurting my teeth too much, or maybe it was the rare doughnuts I ate before bed the night before and they launched me into the worlds worst and longest lasting sugar crash. Regardless, one thing I can take to heart is that he promises new mercies every day.
I told a coworker today that I was so cranky yesterday, and ever the optimist she replied, "isn't it great that today is a new day?" Yes it is. And it reminded me of some verses in Lamentations:"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness". 3:22-23. From these verses we have the Hymn, "Great is thy Faithfulness". It's one of my all time favorites:
"Great is thy Faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest Not, thy compassions they fail not
As thou hast been, thou forever wilt be
Great is thy Faithfulness
Great is thy Faithfulness
Morning by Morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is they faithfulness
Lord unto me
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
blessings all mine with ten thousand beside..."
Yes, it is great that today is a new day, with new mercies, new provision, new forgiveness, new hope, new peace, and new strength.