Depression is a Gift

I mostly hate that I have suffered recurrent episodes of depression.  I hate how it zaps me of all energy and zeal for life.  I hate that it turns me inward, trapped in my mind, persistently looping over how completely worthless and unloved I believe I am in those times, ironically while desperately trying to justify some sense of worth and purpose.  I hate that people are uncomfortable with it and sometimes judge me for it.  "Look at everything she has.  Look at how gifted she is.  What could she possibly be depressed about?"  How do I know people think these things?  Partly because these are statements said to me at some point by well meaning people trying to cheer me up and lift my mood, but also because, shamefully, I have thought them of others who have likewise suffered.  If Paul was chief of sinners, I think I sometimes take my turn as the chief of hypocrites.

As I continue into preparation for this book, conversing about it, and seeking wise counsel for it, it was presented to me that referring to depression as a disease may be controversial, even offensive to some.  This just goes to show that I have no ability to predict accurately what is offensive to people.  I humbly ask forgiveness of any reader who comes away offended at what I have written.  I am not trying to offend.  I am mostly just ignorantly living under a rock.  Confronted with this possibility, I checked in with the great Google sage.  A quick search revealed that there is indeed some lack of consensus on how to categorize depression.  Great.  There goes the title of one of my chapters...

So what is depression?  How can we define it?  For me, it's a complex combination of biological, chemical, social, environmental, psychological, and spiritual elements that trigger my inherant propensity to despair.  So what to call it?  Is it a disease? A disorder? A syndrome? A dysfunction? A (gulp) sin (that surely offends more than calling it a disease)?  None of the above?  All of the above?  For the record, I don't believe that depression is a sin, but it can surely induce sin and be triggered by sin.  Do I have to define it or categorize it?  I think for my chapter title I'm going to call it a "condition" because that seems the most broad and least offensive.

With my chapter title safely handled, I've now been thinking more about how to categorize depression and what it means in my life.  For me calling it a disease has been helpful, because it releases me from the guilt and shame I (wrongfully) feel by having it, but it also gives me responsibility to manage it, just as one who has diabetes is responsible for managing their condition though proper diet, medications, lifestyle adjustments, etc.  Depression can cause you to feel so out of control.  It can grab onto you when you least expect it.  I suppose that managing it this way gives me some sense of control, though I healthily recognize that there is no magic formula for maintaining mental health.  Managing it only gives me the best chance at avoiding a relapse.  Taking this too far can actually result in anxiety and depression when you don't 100% stick to the plan to stay healthy.  We certainly don't want the cure to be worse than the disease, or whatever you call it.

So for me, it's a disease that I manage through diet, exercise, medication (when its indicated), prayer, study, journaling, fellowship, and being intentional about my time commitments.  I look at these activities or disciplines, you could call them, and how they not only act as insulators from the threat of a relapse, but have greatly improved the quality of my overall health.  They have significantly improved my relationships as well, especially my relationship with the Lord.  So in that respect, I think for me depression is ultimately a gift.

I now refer you back to my opening statement.  To call depression a gift is not something I say lightly or came to accept easily.  I have hated having it.  It took me a long time to accept that I had it.  I didn't want it.  So to move from mere acceptance of my condition to embracing it as a gift is a bit of a big deal and is only possible by the grace of God through a hindsight exercise.  I think some people tried to get me to see it this way while I was in the midst of my last deep dive into despair.  Perhaps this is not the best time to confront somebody with this idea.  It has to be learned overtime by reflecting back on the worst times and seeing God's hand moving behind the scenes, behind what you were able to perceive at that time.

Depression to me had been a huge source of weakness.  This was not OK.  Being weak was not OK.  I had to be strong and successful.  Depression threatened to take these things away from me.  Depression forced me to be humble.  Oh, but what a wonderful gift humility is!  Humility acknowledges that my strengths do not come from me, that my success is not a result of my own.  There is a greater power which strengthens me, to which all my gifts and successes are attributed.  This is the power of the Lord, of His grace at work in me and my life.  Without the lost and unloved feelings of depression, the gospel message would not have taken root in me at 14.  Without depression, I would have continued to strive against the wind, relying on my own abilities which would continually have frustrated and antagonized me deepening the bitterness of my 20s and early 30s.  I now have freedom in the Lord, in His abundant grace.  And that is the greatest gift of all.