On Top of the Hill, Not Over It!

Statistically middle aged, a protected class under employment law, "mature", the beginning of the end.  Yesterday my friends and family came to celebrate this glorious milestone.  Today was the joyous day.  My age no longer starts with a 3.  The 5th decade has officially commenced.  So people ask me, "how do you feel about turning 40?"  Here is how I answer that:

I'm fortunate to be in the best mental and physical health I've probably ever been in.  I've actually managed to accomplish many of my goals in life.  I have a husband who is still smitten and devoted as ever, whose love and service to me continually overwhelms and fuels me.  I have two adult children who still want to come see me.  I don't know that I can confidently say they rise and call me blessed, but they call me, well text me, and visit me, so I still call that a win.  I have a 3 year old mini-me (in personality) who continually fills my heart with joy.  I have family, friends, and coworkers who are willing to take time to celebrate my continued living and who somehow enjoy being around me.

Most importantly, I am experiencing God's love for me more and more profoundly, and I can feel it transforming me daily.  I am not yet who He has made me to be, but I am far from who I was.  Oh my personality still comes through, but I can feel the rejection of my childhood, the envy of my teens, the bitterness of my 20s, and the anxiety of my 30s evaporating under His grace.  May this continue, because it is so good.  How wonderful that He has promised to complete this work in me.

I feel excited about what's to come and open to the possibilities.  For the first time ever, I don't feel like I'm driving the agenda of my life, executing on my objectives, but instead diligently trying to walk in obedience with the Lord.  It's messy and unpredictable at times, but I've finally reached the maturity to at least have moments of peace in the unpredictable.  As such, I get to see His hand working more than I ever did when it was all about my goals and dreams.

So as I run into my 40s, I am so glad to be on top of the hill!  People say, "it's all down hill from here." But for this novice runner, I consider that a good thing!  Downhill is easy!  Though the years to come do promise to be filled with grief, I am grateful for these days.  I am grateful for the easy yoke of the Lord.  Now that I finally am getting out of His way, and taking on His yoke, with His presence and provision, despite the sufferings yet to come, I believe the years ahead will be gloriously better than the years behind.

At the party yesterday, there were videos unearthed from may years ago, including a particularly embarrassing one from when I was 13 years old.  Actually, my children thought they were going to be getting the goods on me during 20 minutes of teenager silliness, but all I did on video was dance and sing.  Some things never change!  They were fantastically disappointed.  Today my daughter stopped by and told me that she thought I look better now than I did then, that somehow age looks better on some people.  I've been chewing on that thought a little bit.  In that video I was at least 30 pounds lighter than I am now, my hair was luxuriously thick (insert sad face here), I didn't have any "wings" on my arms, and my face was completely wrinkle less.  But, it was 6 months before I came to know the Lord, and many, many years before I would learn how to walk with Him.  I wonder if age "looking better on me" is not simply the joy of the Lord reflecting out in a new spirit of thankfulness and contentment.  Oh I do hope so.  What an honor it would be to be accused of emanating His love and joy to the world around me!

I noticed the other day that I had dimples when I wasn't smiling.  Upon closer inspection I observed wrinkles where my dimples reside.  Though I'm not excited at the increased acceleration of wrinkles across my face, what a great problem to have: wrinkles from smiles, laughter, and joy.  It sure beats those worry lines across my forehead!  Maybe those are really my deep contemplation/thinking wrinkles.  Yeah, we'll go with that.  It is hard to believe that someone, who has been as low I have been, who looked right at death and moved toward it out of such deep sorrow would 6 years later have wrinkles from joy.  But it is true.  Only God.  My heart is full.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of these 40 years.  You are part of a story that culminates in this moment of divine joy and peace.  Thank you for being in my life and thank you for helping me to celebrate it.