Working out your Worries - Part 2
Got your worry list? If not, go back, read part 1, and start writing down all the worries that come to mind over the next 2-3 days. Then come back here for the next step in working out our worries.
Got your list now? Excellent! Me too. Here’s what I’ve got on my worry list:
1. Gaining the Quarantine Fifteen (or more)
2. Getting my Book Published (i.e. building the platform that will give an agent & publisher the confidence that it will actually sell).
3. Summer in Munich/Europe
4. Longer term consequences of COVID-19 on my financial goals
5. My 4-year-old watching too much tv during this time and growing up to be an obnoxiously demanding, bossy, jerk
Don’t be self-conscious or worry if yours is longer than this. The first time I thought to do this exercise my list was at least 3 typed pages… single spaced.
Before we get started, take a moment to pray over this list. Bring these worries right to the throne of grace. Ask the Lord to guide you through this exercise. Ask Him to help you examine your ways and to be honest about what you fear the most. Be utterly transparent with Him. Ask Him to reveal any other worries you’ve not yet identified or written down and then add them to the list. Thank Him for His continued loving care and provision and tell Him you want to trust Him (or at least want to want to trust Him 😉) with these worries and that you desire to release them to His more than capable hands. Submit yourself to His will. Stay in His presence as long as you need and then return to your list.
For each item on our lists we are going to ask ourselves 3 questions.
1. What is within the realm of my control?
2. What is outside of the realm of my control?
3. Why am I worried about this or why does it matter?
Question 1 – What is within the realm of my control?
For the first question this is where we, (to rip off corporate speak), address the low hanging fruit. We look at each item and determine what are those things that we can do to help eliminate the worry. For example, with my fear of gaining the quarantine fifteen (BTW I’m jealous of whoever coined that) I can (at least in theory) control what I put into my body as well as my energy expenditure. I can make a meal plan and stick to it. I can choose to get in a certain amount of physical activity every day. I can step on the scale and hold myself accountable (within reason – water weight is the devil). I can even commit to occasionally wearing my not-yoga pants to ensure they still fit and adjust the plan accordingly.
For my worry about longer term consequences of COVID-19 on my financial goals, I can get out my spreadsheets, make tweaks to the budget, understand the trade offs, make decisions, build contingency plans and schedule regular check in points.
If you’re in a situation where you’ve been laid off as a result of this virus, perhaps your first worry item is about finding a job or providing for your family. This is the step where you would make a plan to update your resume and linked-in profile. You might schedule time to file for unemployment or to fill out applications for something temporary. This step is all about identifying those practical steps we can take to move us in the direction we want to go.
This step seems pretty straightforward, but when faced with a crisis and a head swirling of every imaginable calamity known to man impending upon our world, we can get stuck and, instead of doing the small things that get us going in the right direction, we simply shut down. Procrastination often reigns in these moments, which doesn't ease anyone's anxiety. It simply traps us in it longer. Having a buddy to work through this part of the exercise can work wonders. Sometimes we need a pushy friend to kick our rears into gear. Other times we need someone to gently suggest things for us to do or even help get the ball rolling of us. Be honest with yourself about what you need, and then reach out for help. If you're trying to help someone who's stuck ask them what approach they need in that moment and go from there.
Question 2 – What is outside my realm of control?
Regardless of your level of motivation to execute, for each item on your list you can probably come up with something that you can do now that will ease the worry. But be careful not to assume responsibility for things that aren’t really within your control. Remember the Serenity prayer? “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Here is where we need that wisdom. We can ask the Lord throughout this exercise for the wisdom to know what is within our realm of control and what is not. A simple guideline I use is that I am responsible for the planning, thought, and effort I put into something, but outcomes are not within my realm of control. Using "getting my book published" as an example, I am responsible for putting together a good marketing plan, a quality book proposal, and getting my content in front of publishers and agents. But the choice of whether it gets picked up by a publisher and comes to fruition is ultimately not up to me. I can choose then to self-publish if I desire, but I can’t control the decisions of the publisher.
We need to be very careful that we don’t try to put ourselves in God’s shoes. We pray for His guidance, seek His will and His help, and give it our best effort. But at the end of the day, we must be willing to accept the outcome. Often in our anxious or perfectionistic minds we tend to judge our actions based upon the outcomes. If we don’t get what we wanted, we logically conclude that we messed something up along the way. Consequently, to avoid potential failure, we will often go one of two ways. We can make ourselves frantic and obsessed with getting the result we want, running ourselves into the ground to get it, or we can get paralyzed, preventing us from every trying anything. Remember, we don’t control the outcome. That’s up to God. We don’t control other people’s decisions, and to aggressively attempt to do so is actually sinful manipulation.
When we’re on this step, identifying the items we don’t control, we also need to be thinking about how we can pray for those items. While we certainly should pray for our desires, we need to also pray for our ability to accept an alternative answer to our prayer.
Putting this together, look at the third item on my list. I would still really like to spend my summer abroad as we planned. At the time of writing this, no decisions have been made on that item yet. Since it’s work travel the decision is ultimately up to them. I can work with my boss and my colleagues abroad to identify alternatives and put together a contingency plan, but I need to carefully and prayerfully avoid pushing too hard for the outcome I would like. Ultimately the decision is up to the Lord. He knows whether we’ll be going or not and whatever decision is made by the company will ultimately fall within His will. If we still get to go – great! If not or if it’s delayed until next year, I will need to accept that as the will of God and rejoice in what He has deemed best for me.
It takes practice and time walking with the Lord for an anxious, prideful, control freak like me to learn to accept the will of God when it is contrary to how I believe I would run things. I’m still working on this. But I have learned after many disappointments in life that His way is always best, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. That job I wanted years ago and didn’t get? I now know it would have been a complete disaster. That goes for that other job too. I have also had to learn that it’s not always about me. It’s hard for us overachiever types (i.e. those who need you to acknowledge how wonderful we are, constantly affirming us for our general fantastic-ness) to let other people have the opportunity to shine. I have had to pray multiple times for God to grant me patience while I wait for the moment He has ordained for my star to rise, if it ever does rise. And I also need to pray for that desire within me to be replaced with a desire for Him to receive all the glory should it rise. I have had to pray that He would help me rejoice with others in their success, especially when my self-centered mind believes their success comes at my expense. I’ve had to repent more times than I’d like to admit for being envious of others’ achievements or opportunities.
Going back to our lists again, if, at this moment, your top worry is about finding a job to provide for your family, you can execute flawlessly everything in your plan from step 1, but you might still not get hired. Or you might have to take a job you don’t really want in order to make it until the economy gets going again. Your worry about making ends meet is very real with real consequences. Continued attempts to find work in this environment with little success will no doubt weigh heavy on you and could lead to feelings of failure. Remember that you are responsible to do your part and to pray through this trial, but the outcome is ultimately not up to you. That is outside your realm of control. God is at work and He has a plan. Trust His plan and His timing. He will not leave nor forsake you. He clothes the flowers and feeds the birds. He will no less clothe and feed you. “…God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19). You do your part and let Him do His.
If we find we are still anxious and not trusting God, be assured it is not because He is unfaithful. It is often because what we want doesn’t align with what God has prepared for us. We really don’t want to suffer… ever. But God has ordained each of us to suffer at some point. It’s inescapable. We can get ourselves twisted up in knots, or we can start to lean on Him trusting the process. His goal is to transform us into His likeness. Our goal may be something else. That’s where we’ll pick up in the last part of this series when we dig into question 3.
Until then, keep praying, make your plans and start executing remembering that the outcomes are not up to you.