That pesky "P" word

My family and I recently went on a long road trip to visit some friends of ours.  I think our new favorite traveling game is "beat the GPS".  As soon as Siri predicts what time we should arrive at our destination, I am in total pursuit of beating that time.  Oh how I love to show up Siri! I think she secretly hates me and intentionally tries to get me lost or forget my alarms, and I get so much joy out of showing her up.  A couple years ago playing this game got us back from Disney World in record time.  I love getting where I'm going as fast as I can, and I admit to having a bit of a lead foot.  And when I'm stuck in traffic and my arrival time gets pushed out further and further I can become quite agitated.  Traffic, construction, and other obstacles  (pokey drivers, ugh!) only seem to keep my from achieving my goals.  I also don't like long stops on a road trip because it eats into the time margin I built up while speeding down the highway.  I'm known for saying at a pit stop, "OK, we've gained 15 minutes on the GPS.  We can stop for 10 minutes but then we got to get back on the road to stay ahead."  And while this game is a lot of fun for me when I win, it's sometimes a little dangerous and leads to a large amount of anxiety on my part, especially in those times of traffic and construction.  And that anxiety and frustration really serves no purpose and is pretty silly considering that there is no penalty for arriving at my destination any later than the GPS first indicated.  So why do I play this game?  Why do I make myself miserable?  Because I'm naturally in a rush, I want to win, and I have to do something while I'm waiting to get my vacation started!

I'm the kind of person who can't seem to relax until I get to where I'm going.  This is true in vacations, running from meeting to meeting, heading to an appointment, and anytime I have to be someplace I am totally focused on the destination.  This has been true in my schooling, my family, my career, etc.  Yes, I have been one of those people who say, "Once I finish school I can relax", "Once I get that promotion I can relax", "Once I get past this _______ I can relax".  And just as I do this with destinations and achievements, I do this with assignments and work.  I just have to finish this project.  I just have to get this done.  I cannot seem to relax if I have an unchecked item left on my to-do list.  And with all the hats I wear these days, I have a lot of unchecked items on my to-do list.  So am I doomed to a life with no relaxation at all?  What do I really mean when I say "relax" anyway, because those who know me well know that I'm not really that good at relaxing.  Sometimes I think it means "do what I want to do".  But that's strange because if I'm doing all these other things, presumably, I would want to be doing them.  Sure, some of them I have to do and don't like doing so I get through them, but some of them are actually things that I wanted to do.  I chose to do these things, but as soon as they become a item to check off I get resentful of the task and the joy moves from the process to the completion.  So what's the answer?  I've tried to just reduce the items on my plate and that works well temporarily until some kind of crisis happens, or I inevitably, true to my over-achieving nature take on a few more projects.  The answer is more so found in that old expression (forgive me for not knowing to whom it should be attributed) that life is about the journey, not the destination.  And I know this and this expression moves me profoundly, but like so many other good ideas, it's not the idea I struggle with, but the application.  Please don't just tell me not to focus on the destination, tell me how to stop focusing on the destination!  In other words, what steps can I put on my to-do list that I can execute and check off so that I am magically transformed into someone who enjoys the journey? Hmmm, this is going to be a challenge for me, isn't it?

I've listened to many messages on contentment.  I've done studies on finding joy.  I am full of all this knowledge of how I'm "supposed" to think and act, but continue to struggle with the daily application.  And just like everything else, I want to already be at that destination of success, of finding joy and contentment in the process.  You see the problem is that I lack patience.  I think most people struggle with patience, but I think I'm worse than most.  I want it all and I want it now.  I want it all done, and I want it done now.  I don't want to take time to methodically learn something, I want to understand it now.  I recall my mother asking me at times, "why are you always in such a rush?"  It's not because I'm busy; it's because I'm impatient. I have avoided the whole patience thing for as long as I can because of that old joke we've all heard to never pray for patience because you may get what you asked for.  And I have gotten away with not addressing it because we live in an impatient world that has made an art form out of instant gratification.  I have resisted patience because it seems so awfully passive and I like action.  But I have come to realize that patience is not passive.  Rather, it is actively pursuing joy in the now.  It is not sitting around and waiting; it is actively trusting God in the moment for your future.  And it's hard for a control freak like me.

Our pastor has asked everyone in the congregation to come up with a word for 2015 that characterized our challenge for ourselves.  As soon as the pastor said this, the word was right there in my head "patience".  I thought, "Oh no, anything but that!"  Sigh.  I was out on a run/walk on that vacation with our friends a few weeks ago and running is a great time to contemplate all the big things in life.  I was running along this road looking at these gorgeous homes just blocks from the beach and asking God out of my jealous, covetous heart, "Lord, why them?  Why can't I afford one of these houses?  Why don't I get what I want?"  And the answer was immediate and clear as day, "because they have patience".  Now that doesn't mean that I develop patience and suddenly everything I ever wanted falls in my lap.  Instead I realized that I don't actually even know what I want because I've been impatiently pursuing goal after goal in life without considering what it is that I really want.  And at the end of the day what I really want isn't a fancy house by the beach or a thing at all.  It's that contentment and joy with what I have and where I am in the moment and for me that requires patience.  So this year I am working on patience.  Patience with my family, with my team, with my co-workers, with my students, with my career, with myself in the sanctification process while I continue to mess up, and with God and His timing as He slowly reveals His path for me.