We Could All Use a Lil’ Faith

It’s been awhile…. I know.  I’ve committed that terrible writing sin of going too long without writing.  All the experts agree.  You have to be committed.  You have to make the time.  It’s especially important if you are trying to build that ever important holy grail thoroughfare to publishing: THE PLATFORM.  So consider this my confession.  I am guilty.  I am also equally grateful that God can use my writing even if there are gaps in it, that He is not constrained by our human conventions, and that He forgives all my sin, even that of going months without writing anything.

As with all sin…. I had my reason…. And I think you’ll agree, it’s a good one.  And no, it’s not COVID.

 For the past 3 months I have not been well.  I have been exhausted, sick to my stomach, often plagued with headaches and generally just felt wretched all the time.  I could barely keep up with my job doing what I would consider pretty much the minimum.  I brought my C game.  Some days it was my D game.  There may have been a day or two I could muster the strength to eek out a B-, but that was the best I could do.  There was nothing left for fun with our 4-year-old, let alone doing any writing which requires sustained concentration.  Reading?  Forget about it!  2 paragraphs in I was nodding off.  The tea I loved to drink in the morning to help perk me up and sharpen my focus while I tried to take in the Word of God made me gag.  It was a solid pass.  I took conference calls lying down on my couch in the middle of the afternoon while my head pounded, and I tried not to get sick.  I struggled mightily to not feel like the biggest loser in the world because I was so useless to everyone.  

 What could cause such a disruptive malaise, you ask?  Or perhaps you’re shrewd enough to have already guessed it:  we’re expecting!  No, this is not a joke.  It is not a drill.  This is real life.  And, yes, I am “old”.  I felt so awful early on I was utterly convinced I was having twins <<spoiler alert, we are not>>.  My husband, not so brightly, pointed out that perhaps I was so much more tired this time around because I’m 40.  It was quickly pointed out to him that there would be a list of things he is not permitted to say, and that references to my age would be at the very top of that list.  Though some may want to say we are crazy, we are going to go with the adjective blessed.  

 Indeed, we are blessed.  Just this week I had a conversation with someone who had been trying and recently faced another heartbreaking disappointment.  I know all too well that feeling.  I also remember vividly the way it feels to lose a little dear one, and though we are “safely into the second trimester”, I anxiously await the days when I can feel this little one moving about so I can be constantly reassured that she is thriving.  Uh oh, did I just give that away?  Yes, indeed, we are having another little girl!  As I mentioned, I am “old” and being such, we did the genetic testing which suggests that we are low risk for chromosomal abnormalities (not that it would matter, but we wanted to know), and also revealed that it didn’t detect any Y chromosomes.  Our 4-year-old is over the moon excited to be getting a baby sister.  I’m pretty jazzed about getting to revel in all things Disney Princesses a bit longer, and my husband…. well he could use your prayers.  I think the conversation after the phone call from the doctor’s office went a little something like this:

Him: “I think I need to go for a drive.”

Me: “you’re planning to come back, right?”

Him: (crickets)

But all kidding aside, we are glad to have made it this far, and continue to pray that our little Lillian Faith (we’ve already decided her name) will continue to grow and thrive, to be born at term, healthy and strong, and will grow into a wonderful woman who loves the Lord.  Why Lillian Faith?  Well, to start, her big sister felt very strongly that she should be named after a flower.  Also, my great-grandmother, a woman who loved the Lord and her family mightily, was named Lillie.  My great-grandfather used to call her Lil’.  My dad will sometimes even call my mom Lil’ as he honors the relationship that his grandparents had, which was one important source of constancy in his childhood.  And Faith, because it has taken great faith to get to this point.  And I guess we all could really use a Lil’ Faith, especially me, right now.  (credit to my sister for that one).