Dear Lord, Do I HAVE to Work with this guy?
In a previous post I mentioned that I raised my voice to an unprofessional level for the second time in my career. It was not my finest moment. You could say that Cranky McJudgy-Pants (my evil twin, alter ego, Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll) was in charge at that time.
It all started about a year ago when this guy came into the company filling a role in one of the East Coast offices. He was coming in to run a team that my teams interacts with very closely. Shortly after his arrival, there were some organizational changes and he was given the additional responsibility for another team that mine works very closely with. Though he has no official authority over me or my team, he does have oversight for some of the functions we perform and is in a position to make our lives more difficult if he so chooses.
Knowing that this guy could help us sink or swim, I took the opportunity to sit next to him for a few minutes at lunch during a conference we were both attending. We did a brief introduction and discovered that we were in the next session together. In that session, we were seated at the same table, where we were to discuss different topics related to data modeling. On every item we were to discuss he took the contrarian opinion, and defended it relentlessly. This did not bode well for our ability to work together. I, naturally, believed him to be wrong, on all accounts, and egregiously so. And that's when the presumptions started. "Oh those East Coast people always thinking they're smarter than us Midwesterners." "Well he may be a Stanford PhD, but he doesn't know anything about Primary Insurance." "This guy is going to be a problem, I just know it!"
This last thought became a self-fulfilling prophesy over the next year as we presented analysis after analysis to him and he would criticize everything we did. Never-mind, that it was his job to take a critical look at what we were doing. He wasn't as easy to work with as his predecessor and he was making it harder for us to get our job done. It was not unusual for my team and I to lament his appointment and to wallow in pity over our misfortunate of having to work with him. As the leader I should have squashed such indulgences, but in the interest of solidarity with the team I might have even encouraged this behavior.
Relations with this guy continued to deteriorate. First there was the day I raised my voice, which was bad enough. Then there was the e-mail exchange that followed a week later. Again, I lost my cool. Though my response was beautifully written, (I was even complemented for it by my team member), and quite diplomatic, it put into print something that would have been better expressed face to face or at least over the phone. It also did not result in de-escalation of the situation and, in fact, was replied to with now his boss CC'd on it. Rookie mistake Tehya.
His boss is a woman of great respect within the company. I actually worked for her for about 4 months in a project role 4 years ago. She has since been an advocate for and an occasional mentor to me. The following week she was visiting our office and popped by. She wanted to discuss the situation. It felt a little like being called into the principal's office. By this point, I had been horribly convicted of my behavior and knew that it all went wrong when I chose not to call him. I have developed over the years a huge fear of confrontation. Earlier in life I found that every confrontation escalated out of hand and I usually ended up doing or saying things that left irrevocable damage. I simply don't trust myself to do confrontation well. So I avoid it at work in order to "maintain the relationship." But in avoiding it, I end up resenting the other person and the "wrong" they've done me, so avoidance is only serving to maintain the relationship in a state of resentment and fear. Sounds ideal, doesn't it?
Well, in the conversation with his boss she was very understanding of my perspective and situation. But one of her questions to me was, "did you ever think to just pick up the phone?" I replied that I had, but I wanted instead to wait for a face to face opportunity to clear the air with him, which never materialized with us being in separate offices. We agreed on steps to move forward with the tasks at hand, and I set up recurring calls with him.
Our first call was about a month ago. After the usual pleasantries talking about the weather, which ironically is very work-related for us, I started out with, "I need to apologize to you....." After I completed my apology do you know what that elite, arrogant, difficult jerk did? He apologized too. And then we went on to have a great conversation about not only the projects we were working on and the challenges we were facing but also about how he got into his chosen field of study while growing up in Iran.
Today we had our second regularly scheduled call. After our lamenting that our offices are not as quiet as our European counterparts this time of year we started discussing the projects and challenges again. As I was telling him about the considerations we had on this one analysis, he recommended reaching out to so and so who could perhaps provide some better insight for our decision making. Then when he was talking about the next steps on another aspect of the project that my team is working on, I recommended he include so and so in the discussions as not doing so would be detrimental to his success. We were communicating the way we always should have been, as colleagues with a common goal, helping each other to succeed so that we can ultimately help our company be better and stronger.
It is no coincidence that humbling ourselves, apologizing, and forgiving each other has lead to a work relationship that I now value. This is how our Lord has instructed us to act. When I was first taken back by his contrarian opinion, I should have had a conversation with him, one on one. Instead I allowed my presuppositions and ego to shape my perception of him. I then engaged in sinful, malicious gossip and slander, even encouraging it and fostering it within my team. The tongue can be such a wicked thing. I have a long way to go in taming this tongue.
This is not the only relationship that has required a humble apology after such shameful behavior on my part. I seem to keep getting this lesson wrong, and I fear the Lord is going to make me keep taking this test until I can pass it repeatedly with flying colors. But I have been encouraged that every time in recent history I took that step to go to that person and say, "hey I wronged you; I behaved terribly" I have been met with forgiveness, acceptance, and new/renewed fellowship. God is Faithful.
I want to get this lesson right the first time from now on. I want to lean into conflicts as opportunities to love instead of occasions to run. This is easier to do when we realize that we are each made in the image of God, and He loves us each the same. That person you can't stand right now? God loves them too. And our disdain for others who are created in His image is hurtful to Our Lord who created them and died for them. I don't know about you, but I don't want to hurt Our Lord. I want to love Him and love Him more everyday. I want to obey Him and that means doing conflict well, the way He instructs, in a way that honors the dignity of all His image bearers.