Fighting Through the Fog

The sermon this morning covered John 14:25 - 31 where Jesus tells His disciples on the night he was later betrayed, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you."  Pastor started out by quoting some statistics on suicide, depression, anxiety and overall despair in our region of the country. The one statistic he reiterated at the end was that in our tri-state area, the suicide rate has increased 35% since 2001.  As he more eloquently pointed out, this is indicative of a world that has no peace. 

Depression and suicide is a topic that hits very close to home for me.  I have suffered from depression from time to time since I was in high school.  I, like now almost 1 in 4 other high school girls, had seriously talked about and contemplated suicide.  I decided at the time I was "too cowardly" to actually carry out any plans. Shortly thereafter Jesus drew me to Him and offered me a life of love and hope.  I had never heard the gospel presented before that day and when I heard about how God loved me and wanted to have a relationship with me, I was hooked. I went forward that morning to the altar and accepted Him as Lord over my life.  That was almost 26 years ago. I wish I could say that I remained as faithful to Him over the years as He has to me, but who among us can really say that with true honesty? God will always beat us in the faithfulness competition. I also wish that I could say that once I came to the Lord I no longer suffered from depression or despair, but sadly I cannot. 

There seem to be many misunderstandings and misperceptions of what depression is like and whether "true Christians" would ever suffer such despair.  I can testify, however, that my worst bout of depression came on the heels of one of the greatest times of intimacy with and growth in the Lord. The Bible provides several examples of individuals who were as close to the Lord as any, and yet despaired greatly.  Many are even considered some of the greatest heroes of the Bible. So I don't buy the argument that if someone experiences severe despair that they cannot be a Christian. Others would say that if we are living our lives in Christ as we ought to that we would not despair.  That might be true, but show me one person who has completely lived their life in Christ as they ought to. You won't find them. We live in a fallen world that is still being ruled by a deceiver, a liar who distorts the truth and has just enough leeway to wreck absolute havoc on our lives.  Just look at what he did to Job. 

In my worst bout of depression, I very nearly made an attempt on my life.  My husband was able to get to me in time, but I was ready to go. I had written my letters and was sitting on the edge of the bed ready to ingest what I hoped would be a lethal dose of pain medication left over from a then recent surgery.  He came into the room and wrestled the medication out of my hand. He had to fight hard to get it from me too. That was just over 6 years ago.  

Depression and Suicide are very complex issues and we often try to simplify it and boil the why down to a single reason.  My experience is that there’s a complex coagulation of multiple factors that hurl the victim down that tragic path. It’s hard to fight when it’s your own mind and heart that have turned against you.  In my experience, suicide is not a “cry for help”. It’s an act of desperation to escape a reality that has for some myriad of reasons become unbearable. It’s not selfish because the victim truly believes into the core of their existence that life for their loved ones would be enhanced by their own cessation of existence.  It doesn’t necessarily result from a lack of treatment, as I was on medication at the time and had therapy that morning. It doesn’t come from a lack of Christian service and discipline as I had just returned from a Mission Trip and had prayed and journaled and read continually in the days and weeks leading up to it. On paper I was doing all the right things, but it wasn’t enough to keep me from that place.  And that is a scary and sobering thought. The Lord’s deliverance through Marc’s entrance was the jolt I needed to get better. I was admitted for 4 days, my “vacation in the psyche ward”. I learned a lot from my time there. God was with me like I’d never felt Him with me before.

I am very fortunate that the Lord intervened, and ever mindful of how easy it might be to slip back into that place.  Depression is sneaky. I’ve often described it as a fog, a heavy fog that blankets your entire world and alters your senses.  It grows thicker over time. Love is all around. Hope is all around. But the fog will not let you see or accept it. You can try to convince yourself that you can see the love and hope, but the enemy takes hold, whispers those lies and they become the new truth that your mind takes hold of… and clings to.  Everything you hear or see from that point is perceived through this clogged filter that blocks the truth and only admits the lies. It’s truly a betrayal of your senses that seeks to destroy you.

I do believe that Christ does offer us hope in our despair, but the continual bombardment of lies makes the discernment of truth so very difficult.  The truth is so important though, because it is what sets us free. Many years ago, shortly after I first came to Christ, I had a feeling that I was being "called" into ministry but I didn't really know what that meant.  I was later lied to by people I should not have put my trust in. They told me that the Lord does not call women to ministry. At that point, I abandoned the thought and pursued more worldly desires which fit my natural inclinations and abilities better.  But lately I have been feeling restless. I had a thought hit me over the head one morning that I was feeling this way because I was insecure about my role in the kingdom. This then prompted a number of wonderful and encouraging conversations and some discipling which has led to much reading.  I believe that I am restless because I have not yet stepped into the role I am called into.  

I'm still groping around in the dark on this, but I think that role has something to do with dispelling lies and replacing them with truth, not only in my life, but in the lives of others who are suffering from despair, be it through written or spoken words.  To that end, I have drafted a high level overview of a book and written a draft of my story from which to draw examples (itself already long enough to be a book). As I have shared my outline with others I have been overwhelmed by the affirmation of this mission.  I am a planner and someone who likes to know exactly what is coming when. This adventure has provided none of the predictability that I crave, but it has been fun to see the little breadcrumbs that the Lord is leaving for me. Of course I'm greedy and gobble them up quickly with great thankfulness and anticipation of the next one to come.  

So as I wander on this journey, I invite you to come along and observe what the Lord is doing and how He will use this story for good, the good of others, and ultimately the good of His kingdom.  Let us with truth reclaim this world from the hands of the deceiver, in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.