Christmas reflections
Another Christmas is in the books. Unlike Christmases in recent past I didn't spend hours mourning our losses, thinking about what might have been. This Christmas was filled with the happy expectation of what is to come... in less than 5 1/2 days now. That doesn't mean that we've forgotten what we've lost. I think that what we've lost has made this expectation so much sweeter. I did actually shed some tears today, but they were on account of the outpouring of love of friends and family during this special time for us. I had a moment where I felt utterly unworthy of the kindness and the gifts and the prayers. As we made the trip over the river and through the woods to grandmothers house, like we do every year, I had a moment where I felt so loved. More loved than I may have ever felt in my life and I had a rare experience of contentment. Work worries slipped away. Family feuds no longer ruled. I was in the car with my special people and Jesus is Lord and thus all is well. I was able to reflect on my two favorite moments of the day. The first was waking up and having the kids pile into our bed to go through their stockings, while my husband held me tightly. The second was on the couch earlier in the afternoon when, during a routine headache strike, I leaned against him while he gently stroked my hair and massaged my temples until I fell into that not-quite-asleep dream like state. His arms are still my favorite place on this earth and being surrounded by my children inside and out is the icing on the cake. We have been greatly blessed this year with our new arrival coming. But I regret that my attitude in recent months has not reflected a state of peace or gratitude. I have mostly behaved like a brat. Something about pregnancy has turned me into a very cranky, entitled, self-centered monster. There are of course the physical aspects of being greatly pregnant that make life challenging and this time of year is very hectic and demanding at work which just compiled the problem. I can certainly justify my behavior, but that doesn't make it right. So to those who have been around me, who have endured my cranky disposition, who have been kind to me anyway, thank you for granting me so much grace and please forgive my brattiness. And I especially ask forgiveness from those who would gladly trade places with me and endure whatever discomfort comes with my current condition. And from the bottom of my heart, for you I truly hope and pray that you too will one day be just as miserably pregnant as I am now. I did not mean to be insensitive and I know it's annoying because I've been where you are now.
One person I need to especially thank is my husband. I've said before that he is a saint and he truly is. He's endured the worst I had to dish out in recent months, and he still treats me well. I continue to be amazed at his patience with me. I'm beginning to think that I got the better end of this whole marriage thing. To be fair, I am growing a human for him, but he has gone above and beyond. Yesterday he spent most of the day preparing a meal for my family to enjoy and I didn't do much to help out. He cooked it and cleaned it up and served it. He did everything. All I did was smile and set the table. And though his hands hurt and his body ached as it so often does with his condition, he didn't complain. He just smiled at me, knowing that I was enjoying this special time with my family. I pray our daughters will marry men like him who will treat them as well as he treats me. And I hope that our son is taking note in how he should treat his future wife. My husband is a gift to me and my children, one of the greatest gifts we've received, and I am so thankful for him this season.
There are other things that those rare moments of peace and contentment teach us when we have the chance to really reflect on life. Here are some that occurred to me today:
We need to be still sometimes. Even though I know this and I fight being still, it is so essentially to our well-being and for our connection to God. I need to take an occasional time-out from trying to solve the world's problems to spend time with Him, to be thankful, and to be present with my special people.
Depression is a fog that disables our ability to perceive the love in our lives. While I have always had this love in my life, I have not always been able to perceive it. If you find yourself suddenly lacking love in your life, it may be time to consider that your filter is faulty and seek help.
Anxiety strangles out the joy in our lives... if we let it. Even in my happy, peaceful moment today I had this overwhelming fear that we would get into a car accident and I would lose my special people. It's not a completely irrational fear. These things do happen, especially with the way some people in this house drive. But I knew I couldn't let that fear rob me of that special moment. And so I made a choice to gaze back at my children and cherish that moment when they were there.
I miss people in my family who have decided that they no longer want me in their lives. I am still sad about the events that transpired several months ago, but I am more sad at the mindset that places agreement as a prerequisite for love and acceptance.
I am unworthy. I don't deserve the husband I have or the children I have. Sure I work at my marriage and I'm not a deadbeat parent, but those things don't guarantee a happy ending. Everything I have to enjoy on this day is a gift from God. The greatest of these gifts (and the one of which I'm the least worthy) is everlasting life with Him through Jesus our Lord whose birth we celebrate.
I hope you all had the merriest of Christmases and find your peace in Him. I leave you with the lyrics from "let there be peace on earth" which has become a conviction and a goal for me as I reflect on the craziness and continually seek to be more present and aligned with Him:
"Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me
Let there be peace on earth, the peace that was meant to be
With God as our Father, blessed all are we
Let me walk with my brothers, in perfect harmony
Let peace begin with me, let this be the moment now
With every breath I take, let this be m solemn vow
To take each moment, and live each moment, in peace eternally
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me"