Happy "Ha-Ha" Holidays

I sat in my home office surveying the piles of presents that needed wrapping.  It was 10pm.  I was supposed to start on this task right after dinner.  You might say I had been procrastinating. My husband was still trying to get the sugar-crazed, over-excited, completely whacked out 3 year old to sleep.  I didn't know where to start.  I didn't want to do it.  No bites of that elephant looked the least bit sweet, savory, or palatable in any way.  I usually love Christmas, but I was knocked out of my happy joy bubble a few days ago by something so stupid and insignificant that it's downright embarrassing to admit or even acknowledge its effect on me.  Yet there I was in a Christmas funk, unable to work myself out of it.

I looked at the rug under my chair and my desk.  It looked warm and inviting.  Over the years, when I've had a challenging day at work I have often longed to close the door to my office and curl up in the space under my desk.  Now that I was at home, looking at the fluffy off-white pilings beckoning me I figured, "why not?"  I really just wanted to go to bed instead.  I knew I probably needed rest more than anything else, but when would I ever get this wrapping done?  So I slid out of my chair and onto the floor.  It wasn't as warm as it had advertised, but it was quite cozy and there was a tranquility to that space.  A few minutes later my husband descended the stairs.  The 3 year old preschooler turned monster was finally asleep.  Seeing me on the floor under my desk he was immediately concerned.  He knew I'd been out of sorts, moping and crying off and on for days.  We had many conversations about he topic that bothered me.  He knew it all.  He longed to fix this for me, but we both knew he couldn't.  He quickly did a check on my mental status and was reasonably assured that despite my complete appearance of misery, the oscillation of emotions over recent days, and my prone position under the desk, that I was not great, but could be a whole lot worse.  As for me, I felt stuck with feelings I didn't want to have and that were too strong for me to manage in the moment.

I'm not sure that I would even call what I've been feeling these past few days a depressive episode.  Typically to qualify medically as such it must persist for more than two weeks.  It's really only been like this for a few days.  And like the narrator of "The Grinch" I can surmise some contributing factors to my less than jolly demeanor.  No, it's not that my shoes are on too tight or that my heart is too small.  Instead, there is a malady that instigates in some children a heightened anticipation of the holidays.  Growing up my parents came to name that manic, excited, moody, sensitive, volatile behavior as the "Ha-Has". I absolutely hated being accused of having the ha-has and supposedly had them worse than everybody else.  Well it would seem that not only have I passed this tendency for holiday meltdowns down to 2 out of 3 of my children, but I never quite grew out of it myself.  I'm really just a 3 year old masquerading around as a responsible adult during Christmas.  Think Clark Griswold with his exuberance for the season, but way, way more emotional.

So what causes the "ha-has"?  Aside from a predisposition to mood swings and severe discouragement, the elements of the holidays create an environment that is hostile to mental stability. I have learned through the years with the help of a patient counselor and friend that I have a responsibility to manage my condition holistically.  It is essential for me to eat a healthy diet (i.e. low-sugar diet), to get adequate rest, to get regular physical exercise, to nurture relationships, and to most importantly spend regular time in prayer with the Lord, reading His word.  I also need to be mindful to not over commit myself.  Taking an inventory of the weeks heading up to Christmas, how am I doing?  I have done reasonably well with exercise, prayer, reading, nurturing relationships, and keeping my commitments under control, but thanks to the 3 year old's inability to sleep by virtue of her own epic case of the ha-has, my rest has been greatly disturbed.  And when I'm tired, my self-control over sugar, which is in abundance this time of year, completely wanes.  And I have indulged, excessively at times.  As a result, it should be no surprise that I am an emotional train wreck.  In short I need to exorcise the sugar demons out of my brain and take a nap.  Unfortunately, I can't just leave work in the middle of the day to go home and take a nap - though I seriously considered it one afternoon.

It feels like a giant leap backwards in managing my propensity to despair that something so embarrassingly trivial could cause such havoc in my mind and suck the joy out of all subsequent holiday activities.  I have tried with temporary success to "take every thought captive" and to think instead about what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, etc. ala 2 Corinthians 5:10 and Philippians 4:8 style respectively.  I even watched "The Nativity Story" to get some perspective and remind myself of what this season is all about.  Inevitably my thoughts always drift back to the trivial matter at hand.  It's like I keep trying to enter in a new web address, but the screen freezes and the cursor keeps spinning in circles.  I've even gently shaken my head and tapped the sides as though it were an etch-a-sketch (old school technology) in hopes that it might shift the image enough to get more permanent relief.  No dice.  My mind stays fixated on the problem it sees, latching on tightly.  It has to evaluate it from every angle.  Even when I consciously shift my focus, it keeps running algorithms in the background trying to solve the problem, one permutation after another.  What makes me well-suited for my career becomes a liability in these episodes.

In this process I have identified the root causes of my heart that have over-sensitized it such an offense, the historical offenses that have contributed to said sensitivity, and re-grieved over those offenses.  Some ancient wounds seem to never want to heal.  I have identified people I need to forgive again now that those past offenses have resurfaced and worked to forgive them.  I have scolded myself for not extending more grace, for being too sensitive, and for being so continually self-centered.  I have prayed and cried out to God.  We have had many conversations on the topic. I have asked for His help, His forgiveness, His peace, and His joy.  I have His assurance that one day my wounds will be healed, that He loves me even when I have a major ha-ha meltdown, that He is with me in this, that this situation is all for my good and His glory, and that He is guiding my path though it makes no sense to me.  His ways are not my ways.  I need to trust Him in this.

And now I wait.  I wait for this episode to pass, knowing that it eventually will.  That's all I've got.  That's right, I have no soundbite solution, no pithy phrase to tuck into your pocket to pull out on a rainy day.  Life is so much harder and more complicated than that.  What we need in difficult days won't fit neatly into a tweet.  Receiving our encouragement from online Christian celebrity quotes isn't the same as sitting in the presence of the Lord, where "there is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11).  It will never compare to lying in the arms of my husband while he patiently endures this episode with me.  It isn't a substitute for the rich encouragement that we can receive out of the intimacy of the real life relationships we have with our brothers and sisters in Christ.

May I challenge you to reach out and encourage your dear ones this Christmas, especially the ones who, like me, have a serious case of the ha-has and are trying to manage children who have it even worse.  And if you see my husband, give him an encouraging pat on the shoulder.  That poor man has two crazy women in his house right now, and he is handling it excellently!  As for me, I think it might be time for another nap.  Maybe after that I can finally wrap those presents.