Finding The Path of Life
A couple weeks ago I wrote most of a post on the topic of anxiety. It was going to be epic. It opened with a story of me bingeing pretzels on the couch and then writhing on the floor in pain with a racing pulse due to dumping syndrome - a common malady of bariatric surgery patients who indulge in the wrong things. Then it went into how anxiety is a major trigger for bingeing and how I've wrestled with this for years and years and years with significant improvements, but no instantaneous deliverance. But then it got lengthy and I lost my point. Worse yet I realized that I didn't have much practical advise on dealing with the demon of anxiety. Then I started to have those all too familiar thoughts, the ones that say, "who are you to deign give advise on something you haven't conquered? Why should anybody take advise from you when you get anxious over using a new cookie recipe?" For me depression will go into remission and give me respite. Anxiety on the other hand never goes away completely. It ebbs and flows from an annoying trickling stream in the background to a roaring ocean full of fury ready to swallow me up.
In Christian circles we talk a lot about helping people with the hope that helped us. But what if you too are still struggling through it? It's like the blind trying to lead the blind. But hey, at least you're not stumbling around alone. Surely, though, it would be better if the one trying to help you had at least some glasses on that improved vision enough to stumble in the right direction.
I tend to think too much, and I couldn't finish that other post because I was starting to swirl, sinking deeper into the maelstrom of insecurity. Insecurity. Now that's a nut I definitely haven't cracked. It has wreaked more havoc on my life, particularly my spiritual life, than any other emotion. Beneath insecurity is pride. Ugh. Every time I read or hear something on pride I want to just evaporate. I hate pride. I hate that I have pride and the things its presence causes me to do. At least once a day anymore something, some little tiny but very awful thing that I said or did once upon a time will come to mind. It'll hit me in the gut and make me sick with shame. I then immediately put it before the Lord and seek forgiveness. Nine out of Ten times Pride is/was the culprit.
Pride manifested in insecurity is a cancer to my soul, growing seemingly inoperable tumors across the spectrum of my being which bring deep and enduring pain. To treat it requires humility which, often like real cancer treatments brings another kind of pain and torment, but such that ultimately is for the better. I love to see humility at work in relationships. Humble people are such a delight to be around. Oh how I long to be one. But oh how I do not enjoy being humbled.
I find walking with the Lord incredibly humbling. I have zero confidence that I'm doing it right. A wise and gracious pastor recently reminded me of 2 Corinthians 5:7 that we "walk by faith and not by sight." Hmmm. And then conveniently Hebrews 11:6 recently came to mind, "And without faith it is impossible to please him..." I say I want to please the Lord, but more so I want the "expanded edition" of the Bible that tells me exactly what to do when. As a mathematician I want the formula for how to live life. But God will not be reduced to a formula for my pride to discover and exploit. No, I must learn to live by faith. This is not easy for me.
In a scripture memory class recently we memorized Psalm 16. In verse 11 it says "You make known to me the path of life..." (yes I did that from memory 😀). As I thought about that verse, at first my mind went to doubt city. Where is this path of life? I feel like I'm walking around blindly most of the time. Yes, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, and God has revealed Him to me, but what about today? What is the path for today? When I get asked where I want my career to take me next year, where is the path then? I feel all this pressure to get the path right. I have to figure it out so then I can get to work and go execute the plan.
The Lord is so patient and kind to me. As I contemplated and struggled with the practicality of this verse, I was reminded of all those times in life when I would have a random thought to do something. Typically it would be to look into some numbers for fun and then find that the next day or so what I randomly chose to look at was of significant importance. There was that one time I was cramming in some last minute reviewing in the moments before taking an actuarial exam, and the article I chose to review in depth that morning (which I had little recollection of prior to that moment) was the 3rd question on the exam with a huge amount of points at stake. I barely passed that exam (for the record as did most who passed - which was less than half who took it), and I know that reviewing that particular article that morning made the difference between a pass and a fail for me. My life has been a tapestry of such moments as these, seemingly random wanderings, that somehow appear purposeful in the end. And I began to wonder if this is not how He makes known to me the path of life, in the small moments and the random thoughts.
I am slowly learning to trust. I want the map. He knows I cannot be trusted with the map. So I get the path one small nudge at a time, without even knowing it, because that's all I can handle without reaching for control. And when I find that I am feeling out of control, I have to return to the basics. I need time in prayer to speak to Him and time in His Word to let Him speak to me. And I need to be patient and wait on the Lord. He will make it known to me in time. I do not need to be anxious about getting the path right. I do not need to be insecure in my walk with Him. It is not for me to figure it out. He owns my steps. I refer back to 1 Thessalonians 5:16 from the thankfulness post. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." When I am seeking obedience to these verses I feel I get an occasional micro-glimpse behind of curtain of what it means to walk with Him, and there is enormous peace on the other side.