Infinite Love
There is so much I don’t understand. There is so much I can’t understand. As a math major I spent a lot of time working with infinity: infinite series, limits at infinity, infinitesimally small amounts, etc. We captured infinity by representing it in our equations as a funny looking sideways 8, and in that form we could handle it coldly without having to think about what it meant. But graphically, visually, we were limited to the three dimensions we could see, and even then the third dimension wasn’t always easy to represent as the teacher or professor sometimes would take a yardstick and hold it up to the chalkboard to represent the z-axis or third dimension. Add a fourth dimension and I could think of time, but beyond 4 dimensions my imagination was insufficient to construct something tangible to relate to. One time many years ago I sat and tried to think through and picture the universe spreading out infinitely in all directions. I could picture the galaxies and stars and space expanding out around me and just as I was about to “see” infinity the image collapsed completely on itself. Like a black hole, it was just sucked away and all that was left was a dark void. My finite brain simply cannot fully comprehend infinity.
God is infinite. I cannot fully understand Him and His ways. The Apostle Paul wrote: “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.” Providentially this verse comes near the end of I Corinthians 13, the love chapter so often quoted from the Bible. You’ve probably heard it before, “Love is patient, love is kind…” Do you know what else I don’t understand, can’t understand fully? Love. Sometimes I’m utterly unable to feel it, unable to feel love for another or to feel loved by another. Even just this weekend I looked at my husband and asked him earnestly, “do you really love me?” And when he replied, “yes” it wasn’t comforting enough so I had to push a little more. “Are you sure? Are you sure that you’re not still with me after all these years because of obligation and convenience?” To which my quick witted beloved smirked and said, “honey, there is nothing about any of this that’s convenient.” Now if you knew my husband and have observed our marriage over these last 20 years you’d think I was out of my mind to ever doubt his love for me. And you’d be right. He is by far the more loving and serving spouse. I speak to him in ways sometimes that I would never accept from him. I selfishly resent his interests and activities that take time and attention away from my pursuits. I even question his love for me on a perfect Saturday afternoon with no conflict. Clearly the man loves me. But there is something inside of me so fundamentally broken that I sometimes cannot feel loved, even from someone who has been physically, visibly present by my side for over 2 decades. How much harder it is for me to feel loved by a God who I cannot see.
What I cannot see or feel I try to supplement with what I know.
But sometimes I forget what I know.
“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love”[1] or the God who loves me.
And when I wander without reminders of what I know about His love for me, I try to replace it with something else. Achievement. Admiration. Attention. Affection. Affirmation. And oh how I despair when these are unfulfilled, how I flame with envy of others who I perceive receive them instead of me. If only I could simply feel, or allow myself to feel His love for me all the time instead. How much harm and destruction in relationships this love void in my heart has caused over the years. Oh the unmet expectations! Because I am fundamentally so broken.
How I wish He would heal me of this. And one day He will. In time. In His time. Like Paul and his thorn in the flesh, the Lord may wait until I pass from this life into the next. Or in His mercy He may heal this brokenness in this life.
In my early days as a follower of Jesus I would hear testimonies. They sounded much like a fairytale. Once upon a time… then a conflict and despair and now Jesus has changed everything and they are living happily ever after. This had largely not been my experience. In fact, the longer I was a follower of Christ the less happily ever after I felt with him. There was the usual disappointment in unanswered prayers, but worse there was the constant anguish of letting him down, failing again and again. I would run away from Him in shame and hide. I’d stop praying. I’d stop reading and learning more about Him. In His mercy he would snap the leash on me, usually painfully, but inevitably pulling me back to Him. And even this week as I’ve reflected much on my shortcomings it has become so painfully evident to me that I am desperately incapable of following Jesus… on my own terms… in my own strength.
I want to follow Jesus. But I am not capable of following Him. I want to fully love the Lord. But I am not capable of doing so. Only through Grace can I. “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9. Grace, what a beautiful expression of love from God.
Maybe you’re like me. Maybe you can’t feel love from others or even the Lord. Maybe you try to fill that love void with anything that resembles love, yet you still feel empty. Don’t despair. Know that God loves you. Know that His grace covers you freely when you rely on His grace alone. It takes faith to believe what we cannot see or feel. “…Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed.” John 20: 29. You are loved. All the time. Even when you don’t feel it. I am loved. All the time. Even when I don’t feel it. And I don’t understand it, but I’m going to try to believe it. And when I fail at believing it, I pray that I will draw upon His grace to supplement my faith and keep me from wandering. “Here’s my heart Lord take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above.”[1]
[1]Text to Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing written by Robert Robinson