When you've been hurt by Christians
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ" Mahatma Gandhi
Increasing, the term "Christian" has come to represent a bubble-like sub-culture that bands together in outrage against the modern secular worldly tide. Fairly or unfairly it's been associated with racism, xenophobia, anti-intellectualism, sexism, close-mindedness, fear-mongering, and a host of other unsavory -isms and -obias. It's come to imply a certain political leaning and force, i.e. the "religious right". In the greatest corruption of the term, it's been used as a moniker by ill-meaning leaders in the church who would abuse people in order to increase their own wealth, power, and status. As a result I have observed a trend where followers of Christ have disassociated themselves with the term "Christian" and have instead referred to themselves as "Jesus guys", "followers of Jesus", "followers of Christ", or "Disciples of Christ" (not to be confused with the denomination). And given the modern implications of the label "Christian", I can hardly blame them. In fact, I find myself gravitating more toward identifying as a "Christ follower" than as a "Christian".
When I think about reasons why many people aren't involved in a church these days, I would hypothesize that having been hurt by someone professing to be a "Christian" would be on that list. I know many people who have walked away from church because they encountered less than stellar representatives of the gospel message of Christ. Others haven't left completely, but like me and my husband from 2003 - 2011, are floundering a bit, floating from one congregation to the next without really engaging. "Churches are full of old judgmental people" is what one person has confided to me. Another has said, "it's a social group for which I have no need". And then there are those who meet the one really nutty "Christian" like that only lady that talked to me when I visited this one church outside of Chicago in the summer of 2002. She was nice enough, but she lacked some crucial social skills. And upon finding out that I was married and spending the summer away from my husband while I interned in Chicago, she exclaimed, "oh! That's not good! There's so much temptation!" She had known me for all of 30 seconds and was immediately and vocally concerned about the fidelity of my marriage. Be comforted, there was no issue to be concerned about and in the 11 week stretch of my internship the longest we went without seeing each other was 3 weeks. Despite her lack of social grace she was kind and excited to engage with a visitor, inviting me to sit next to her, which I happily did... but I was hesitant to return.
Over the years I have been hurt personally by Christians through unkind words, "holier than thou" attitudes, exclusivity, etc. And I have hurt others through pride marinated envy, indifference, disrespect, insubordination, and an untamed tongue. People have been hurting each other ever since the fall of man. Even the very first child born into the sinful world, Cain, was filled with envy and killed his younger brother, Abel. If you spend enough time with any other human being, you are bound to hurt one another. It is inevitable. Christians are no exception. And I think there is a perception that Christians are hypocrites in that they espouse certain beliefs yet behave in a way that is completely contradictory. To be fair, every single human being is a hypocrite. At one time or another we have all violated our personal belief systems. And everyone has their own personal belief system that they ascribe to even if its not necessarily derived from organized religion. But this is not going to be a trite bumper sticker post about how "Christians aren't perfect, they're just forgiven" as if hiding behind grace is a reason to treat people poorly. For even though Paul wrote, "...where sin increased, grace abounded all the more" in Romans 5:20, we should remember the top of chapter 6 "Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!" (Romans 6: 1-2). We certainly need grace, because we aren't perfect, can't be perfect. But we are not to abuse grace to excuse indulgences of pride and malice toward others. So lets dig in a little and talk about some reasons why Christians may have been hurtful to you.
They aren't really a follower of Christ.
There is no regulation over who may use the term "Christian" to identify themselves. This leads to great confusion and it's highly likely that not everyone who calls themselves a "Christian", really is a follower of Christ, even if they believe they are. I think the following passage from the Bible must be the most frightening in all 66 books.
"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and do many mighty works in your name? And then will I declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.'" Matthew 7:21-23 (emphasis added)
That last line scares me to death. This is not what I want to hear on that last day. As I've previously written, there are times when I feel so desperately incapable of following Jesus. Being His disciple is not meant to be a walk in the park. He asks us to do radical things, like loving our enemies. The proverbial old-timey preacher often says, "narrow is the gate..." and then goes on to urge righteous living, focusing on behavior management instead of on a heart transplant. Behavior management isn't what leads to an abundant life in Christ. Loving the Lord, recognizing our own shortcomings and the sufficiency of His grace and then living that out relationally with Him and those He puts in our path is how we live abundantly in Christ.
I have a hypothesis that the emphasis the church puts on salvation has led to a proliferation of false conversions. I cringe anymore when I hear the term salvation used or when someone asks if you or someone else are saved. And when I read the above verse about people doing all this work in the Lord's name and Him not knowing them I think the security that comes from being deemed "saved" is false. As was said in Sunday School this morning, the church teaches young people about behaviors but doesn't teach them about loving the Lord. I would add that it largely has not taught adults to love the Lord either, focusing again on behavior management. I would even say its more vice management. Don't drink too much, swear, smoke, use drugs or cheat on your spouse. And then that gets taught to another generation who then passes it down. It's legalism and it doesn't save. And what it does do is build up your pride, because through your vice/behavior management you have avoided all the big sins and thus have saved yourself. Except you haven't, because you can't. And Jesus is at the gate saying, "I never knew you". And all the while being self-righteous, you have treated people poorly. And you proudly wore the badge of "Christian", proclaiming your salvation to all, while bearing a false witness and tarnishing the name of the one you claim to serve.
Pride is so hard to work against and the lure of legalism is attractive. I don't like ambiguity, and legalism provides a solution to the gray of life by providing a list of rules. Then we can know that we're OK because we've followed the rules. There is a reason that mathematics appeals to me. It is objective and verifiable. I loved that in algebra I could solve for x, then plug it back into my equation and determine that I was in fact correct. I could follow the algorithm and get the right result. Every time. No ambiguity. No gray. This is what legalism attempts to do to Christianity. But life can't be reduced to an algorithm. A relationship with Christ cannot be reduced to a formula. And when you go down that path you forge right into Pharisaism. The Pharisees were super religious, zealous, and knowledgable about the scriptures, more knowledgeable than anyone... but they lacked love and missed the point. Jesus called them a "brood of vipers". I do not want to be in that group. I pray so often that I would have a heart that longs for the Lord, that I would want His kingdom to be built and not my own. I pray that I would love the Lord purely. How do we learn to love the Lord? By learning more about Him and spending time with Him through prayer, silence, and in His word. I'm terrible at this because I can be such a Martha. I need to be still with Him more, but my mind is always going down some path or another working out some kind of problem and noodling on some observation. I have great difficulty in quieting that down. I'm not a great person at relationships. I'm the friend who never calls, but who longs to hear from you and doesn't want to be left out. I think I'm getting better, but it always depends on how much I've piled up on my plate. One day I will learn.
Just because someone is in church and fervent doesn't mean they follow Jesus. Jesus warned that there would be false prophets: "beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves." (Matthew 7:15) In the parable of the weeds recorded in Matthew 13:24-30 he said:
"The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field, but while his men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. So when the plants came up and bore grain, then the weeds appeared also. And the servants of the master of the house came and said to him, 'Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have weeds?' He said to them, 'an enemy has done this.' So the servants said to him, 'Then do you want us to go and gather them?' But he said, 'No, lest in gathering the weeds, you root up the wheat along with them. Let both grow together until the harvest time I will tell the reapers, "Gather the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn."'"
Jesus then explained the parable in verses 37-43:
"The one who sows the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world, and the good seed is the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sowed them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the reapers are angels. Just as the weeds are gathered and burned with fire, so will it be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all causes of sin and all law-breakers, and throw them into the fiery furnace. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear."
From this we can see that the weeds (or tares in other translations) are intermingled with the wheat. Our churches will have true followers of Christ and others who are not, though they may "look" like they are. It's very possible that if you've been hurt by a "Christian", it could have really been a tare, born of the enemy, trying to deceive and confuse you.
They really are a follower of Christ but are still in the sanctification process
When I was a new "Christian" I said a lot of stupid things. I was still a teenager and behaved like a teenager behaves. I wore my salvation as a badge of honor and "cleaned up my act" (read as stopped smoking and swearing) but still got into fights with my sisters. I still ahem... borrowed without permission... things from my older sister and yelled at my little sister for things that I can't recall now so they must have been trivial. I was still envious of my friends' relationships with other friends. I still wanted to knock the daylights out of the girl who lived next door. I gossiped. I was unkind at times. A few years later I fell into sin with my then boyfriend (now husband). I even punched my college roommate. All these things occurred while declaring to the world that I was a "Christian". Not a great witness, I know. I had moments where I was a much better representative, but I often failed. I still fail. Just a couple weeks ago I raised my voice to what I would consider an unprofessional level for the second time in my career. There were several people on the conference call from around the world and one of my team members in my office. I knew I was out of line. The messages I got after we concluded the call from other participants on the call were kind and soothing. They sympathized with my position and recognized I had been pushed too far. But I know I shouldn't have raised my voice like that. And I know I have to apologize and make it right and figure out how to work together... the next time I see the offending party (procrastinate much? Do you think the Lord will buy that I think this should be a face to face conversation and that's why I'm putting it off?). The pattern of the true Christ follower is still one dotted with failures, but ideally fewer as the follower matures and increases in knowledge and wisdom like our Lord did. The ability to love our neighbors as ourselves is not innate and is developed overtime as we draw on the strength of the Lord through His Holy Spirit that he has gifted us with.
"Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." Galatians 5: 19-26
I am always challenged when I read about the fruit of the Spirit. How wonderful it is when I'm tethered to the Lord and I can sense the desire within me stemming from His Spirit to behave out of love, joy, peace, patience, etc. But when I get away, just a little bit, I feel the flesh taking back over, delighting in envy, chewing on it, savoring it, justifying it. Unforgiveness will grip my heart. My mind will dwell on all the injustices of the past. It will replay them, each time increasing my victimhood. My ego will explode in outrage. How close I can get to utter destruction. And how unkind I can become. It's only through relationship with the Lord, communing with Him, submitting to His Spirit that I can be a decent person.
The sanctification process is messy. Everyone is at a different point in their journey with the Lord. Some come to know Him earlier in life and mature quickly. Some come to know Him later and the process is slow. Unfortunately, in the meantime, we are going to hurt others and demonstrate a poor witness.
Christ's representatives on the earth are not perfect representatives. Not everyone who claims to be His representative really is following Him. But don't let us human ambassadors prevent you from entering into a relationship with Christ. He alone is perfect. He alone is worthy to be followed. Get to know more about Him yourself by spending time in His word, the Bible. Don't have one? There's a free app. Find a true follower of Christ - I bet you know one, one who is loving, joyful, peaceful, etc. Talk to them about who Jesus is and how His grace alone can atone for all the hurt we cause each other. Try another church. Keep pursuing Him. He is worth it.
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Philippians 3:8