Social Sadness

Today I'm feeling sad.  Tomorrow will be another day.  The sun will rise.  The birds will sing.  God will still be on His throne.  But today I'm feeling sad.

I had to go to the store, and because I was getting stuff for the Easter basket, I had to go in.  Online shopping wasn't going to do.  I hated seeing people in masks.  I hated the need to keep looking around constantly making sure I was keeping my distance.  People used to be kind and smile.  I can't see smiles behind a mask.  Eyes no longer smile.  I feel instead the gazes are filled with fear and suspicion.  Behind every pair of eyes is a brain wondering if the produce they just picked up had previously been handled by someone who had "it", the dreaded coronavirus.  I don't own a mask.  I attempt to smile, but find most people avert their eyes, perhaps silently judging me for not wearing a mask.  Only a few weeks ago, amid the shortages in the stores, people were still talkative and kind.  There was a sort of camaraderie that we were all in this together.  3 weeks later it seems camaraderie has been replaced with repugnance.

Perhaps it is my own brain, altered by the circumstance and, as usual when I have more depressive thoughts, an excess intake of sugar that is processing this new world in a most negative light.  Perhaps it was the poor quality of sleep I had last night or the increased consumption of social media (as my primary connection to my friends) that is causing me to see the worst of humanity in this moment.  Regardless, in a time where we are all at war against this virus, I see us still being at war with each other.  I see the same insults on social media and judgmentalism on those who we deem to be either too cautious or not cautious enough.  And it makes me sad.

I go for a walk or run outside and am thrilled to see other people about, but then when we cross paths we end up taking as large an arc around the other person as we can.  Yes, we are doing the right thing. But when someone crosses the street to avoid being on the same side of the road as me, it conjures thoughts of a time in middle and high school when social distancing was used as a weapon to isolate and reject those deemed unworthy of social interaction and not as a means of loving protection.  While the logical part of my brain can rationalize that this is a good thing, the emotional heart of my brain is stuck in the past.  I admit I feel a touch rejected at these prescribed actions and feel a sense of anxiousness that by following the guidance I would likewise cause another to feel rejected - hence my attempts to smile and make passing conversation.  Perhaps this is just a really good lesson in cultural context.  The same actions that in one social context intend to cause hurt and rejection, in another are meant to preserve life, showing care and concern.  If only the hardwiring of my brain could shift as quickly as the social norms have.

Today I am not a fan of social distancing.  Today it makes me sad.  Today I miss my church friends.  I miss my lunch dates and regularly scheduled discussions.  I miss the choir and singing, surrounded by other voices blending in blissful harmony.  I miss my family and not being able to celebrate my dad's birthday in person.  I miss hugs, handshakes, and the occasional tap on the shoulder.

The blessings of this moment in time are not lost on me.  There are many things I am exceedingly grateful for, including the hugs and kisses I get from my 4 year old in the middle of the work day.  (I could definitely get used to working from home longer term).  I am enjoying the more relaxed schedule, though find I still struggle to get time to write, which presents a whole other dimension of discouragement.  I am enjoying the fact that its the first weekend in April and we already have all our yard/garden work done.  I am grateful that we are both still working and that we are for the moment healthy.  And I am especially grateful for the technology that allows us to stay somewhat connected with virtual church services and meetings.  I try to be most grateful that I have a savior who died for me and who is sitting next to the Almighty God in Heaven interceding on my behalf.  This morning I had to pray for the Lord to give me a greater appreciation for the cross, as I realized my vision of the cross was severely lacking today.

I wonder how these weeks or months will change social behaviors, if those of us who thrive on hugs will need to learn to adapt to a society that is more and more apt to keep its distance.  Will the children who are being raised in this crisis be more standoffish than previous generations?  I hope not.

I miss people.  I miss you.  And I look forward to us seeing each other face to face and embracing each other in a big warm hug.

Today my heart is heavy.  Tomorrow is a new day, with new mercies.  The Lord is near.  He is constant.  The sun will rise tomorrow.  The birds will sing tomorrow.  The flowers will continue to bloom, the grass to grow, and the leaves to unfold.  The Lord will still be on His throne.  He will still be in control and He will accomplish His purposes.

Hang in there.  Despite whatever divisions and messages persist, we really are all in this together.  We are each other's keepers.  May our Lord protect us, keep us, and grant us wisdom.