Where's the Beat?
"The counter is sacred. It manifests into the state of my mind. If it is clean and clear, then my mind is clear to focus. If it is cluttered, crumby, and messy, I can't focus on anything and I can't get done what I need to get done." This was my thesis statement for this afternoon's "Family Meeting". My plea, was above all else, regardless of the chaos in this house, could we please, for the love of everything - most especially my sanity - keep it clear? And by "family meeting" I meant the argument I had with my husband, yet again, on the division of labor, process for accomplishing everything, and general order of things. I love my husband. We usually work pretty well together, but this week we were so whiplashed by the new state of affairs that we were moving in opposing ways constantly building friction like a strike-slip earthquake fault. The tension would build and then shoot off a tremor. Yesterday was the "big one".
I heard a rumor that filings for divorce in China shot up as soon as people we able to start resuming normal activities. I am sad to say that I get it. This is tough. We have worked years to perfect our daily rhythms. In normal circumstances we have a fluid dance about our routine. And now COVID19 has come in and busted up all our drum heads and stolen our drum sticks. As a result, we can't find the beat. Now we're each doing our own thing, looking for the beat, trying to dance, but are stumbling around with uncoordinated movements stepping on one another's toes.
As if the busted rhythm weren't hard enough, I feel such a sense of powerlessness over, well everything. And though I don't find myself fretting over the virus itself, I find myself doubly, if not triply, agitated at my inability to dictate how my time is to be spent. There is a phenomenon I refer to as "calendar disrespect". It's a symptom of corporate life where, as usual, there are more deliverables due than hours in which to complete them. You take care to meticulously keep your calendar up to date. You block time for concentration on certain topics. You mark yourself as out of the office for appointments. And inevitably someone thinks that their desire for your time supersedes your own carefully mapped out planning and schedules a meeting over what you already clearly have booked. Calendar disrespect is also a function of being just important enough to be required at the meeting, but not quite important enough to be scheduled around. I despise calendar disrespect. It is my number one, really, no-kidding pet peeve. So here I am working from home trying to manage a work calendar and weave into it a home calendar that includes emergency toilet paper outings, extra time for meal preparation, dishes, workouts during times of the day that don't disrupt the rest of the household, coordinated care of our four year old, assignment schedules for the 4 year old, dishes (again), checking into the daily governor's briefing to stay ahead of the next round of closures, our respective quiet times, times to discuss and coordinate the next day's activities and responsibilities, dishes (for real, how are there so many dishes?), and I guess obtaining household supples (like dishwashing detergent) before they run out. To make this work I started finding the few spots on my calendar that weren't already taken up with a Skype call and blocking them for home stuff. I'd get online earlier than usual and wrap up later than usual because I was taking time in the middle of the day to attend to these other things. So what do you think happened? Calendar Disrespect. I had at least 2 "emergency" meetings scheduled with maybe half an hours notice that were in conflict with those apportioned times. I reiterate: my calendar was blocked. So, helplessly I had to flex and reengineer the calendar yet again, and let my husband know so he could likewise rearrange his day to compensate. Only to get on the calls and realize about 5 minutes into them that the organizer and myself have a very different definition of an "emergency". These topics could have waited.
******Warning: Tangental Diatribe Coming******
So here's the deal. Work Life balance is hard during the best of times. It seems utterly impossible in this moment. We have got to be flexible with each other. If I hear one more person advise that we keep our kid and household on a schedule.... I better not put the rest of that thought into writing. I am not waking my 4 year old up at 7am because I would like to get up in the morning and get some work done. That precious doll baby will sleep until 9 or 10am if I let her, and I am so going to let her because that is 2-3 hours of productivity time before the Tasmanian devil bounds down the stairs in a whirlwind uttering unintelligible demands at us. When I read the suggested schedule by her preschool teacher (who I absolutely love and adore and appreciate more now than ever), which recommended changing activities every 15-20 minutes I wanted to cry. How in the world is that supposed to work when I'm on a 2 hour conference call from 10-12 and my husband is expected to be online for teaching time from 10-2? It doesn't. So we had to call for backup and our 20 year old has graciously been coming over to help with our 4 year old, but then that's another schedule we have to work around.
We have been in a rapidly evolving situation. Every day we were confronted with new limitations and had to adapt. Now those precious groceries stores have condensed their hours. I can't go for a milk run at 11pm. In fact, I'm not 100% sure when I can go for a supply run and actually be able to find the supplies I'm looking for. It may require going out during "work" hours. So between the schools being out, dual income families both trying to work (many from home together), more people in the house eating and making messes that need to be cleaned up, the bandwidth causing delays, and all the other extra strains on households during these unprecedented times, I am begging employers to be flexible, to trust their employees, and to cut us some slack. I am imploring coworkers and bosses to respect the calendar. PLEASE. It will help keep families from completely falling apart and go a long way to eliminate constant strife. Nothing right now is that urgent, except for those activities which will directly contribute to the saving of lives from this beast of a virus. [Aside: have you read about ARDS from COVID19? It's totally horrific. Unimaginable.].
It breaks my heart to hear people pushing for "increased accountability" from their teams during this work from home arrangements. It denotes a complete lack of trust of their teams. Perhaps I'm just lucky, but I trust my team. We all work from home on occasion. We are all professionals. We get the job done. It may be during weird hours right now because two of them are sleep deprived trying to work with infants at home, and a couple others have school aged kids they too are having to feed and educate during the day, but we get it done. I know my team is working because I get e-mails and IMs from them with questions. I see their Skype icons light up as green. They don't miss their deadlines. I don't need to babysit them or put yet another meeting on their (and my) schedule to "check in". We may need to connect more often simply because we miss each other, but we don't need to meet more often to prove that we're doing our jobs.
Something else I would like to communicate to employers with work from home teams during this time. Just because we are all always at home when we are working does not mean that we are always working when we are at home. I refer you again to the enumerated items being juggled by a fair number of families. I generally find that calls outside of normal office hours are rarely as urgent as they are believed to be by the caller and they are highly disruptive to family life. Please, especially during this moment, do not make phone calls outside normal working hours unless you know for sure that your employee/coworker is online and working at that time. Everything I've read about working from home suggests making clear boundaries between the two and resisting the urge to constantly be checking e-mails, etc. Admittedly those boundaries are more blurred than usual because of the circumstances (i.e. kids being home) causing disruptions during normal business hours. But extra calls outside of those times, especially when there's a sense for a heightened accountability will breed unnecessary anxiety into your team member. And they feel like they can never get away and cannot ever control one bit of how they spend their time. They fear being rebuked for not being available for a moment because they had to bathe the kid or actually sit down to a meal with their family. The sense of being constantly on call can unnerve even the coolest of cucumbers. Please, if you value your employees do not add to the anxiety of this moment in history. Be flexible. Trust. We want to get our work done. At the end of the day, we want to feel like we've accomplished something. A honestly given the circumstances, our output probably will suffer. Give a little grace, we are doing the best we can.
******End of Tangental Diatribe******
I am learning a lot about myself in this crisis. I've known that I have a tendency to be a control freak. But I didn't realize how bad it could be, and how much it is magnified when confronted with such a situation as one we find ourselves in. Though I know I cannot control the outcome and though I know that I can trust the One who can, I cling to control with all I have. Lord, can I please, PLEASE, just get to control the calendar, or my husband and the way he does things? Can I please just have one thing that I can manipulate to my desires? I obviously am prideful about my way of doing things. I prioritize better than my husband. I operationalize and organize better than him too. Or so I think. And he's been a poor whipping post for the sense of powerlessness I'm having. All my frustrations have been channeled right at him. I even admitted as much but then told him that it was his duty as a husband to just soak it all up without a reaction and eat it. Have I ever mentioned that he's a far better spouse than I am? I have been exceedingly unkind, not dealing well with the change in routine. I desperately need a new beat I can follow.
In times like these where we are feeling pulled in a thousand directions, unsure of how to best use the next moment, I am reminded of those verses, " 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV). In Christ is my worth, not in my ability to do my job or teach my kid or even respect and honor my husband. All those are good things and I should absolutely pursue doing those things to the best of my ability, but with my worth anchored in Christ, I can endure a mediocre performance review because I needed to wear my mom hat during core business hours in the midst of a pandemic. I can abide my child not learning the letter W because she's really only 4 years old and will get another shot at W week next year. I can handle things being done a different, albeit, less efficient way (than I would do them) because its honors my husband and preserves his dignity. I can trust that in taking the moment to ask the Lord to direct my thoughts and activities for the day that He will honor that and I can see that last minute invite as part of His sovereign plan and not just an impediment to my agenda for the day.
I have failed the Lord greatly this week. My heart has turned more selfish than usual. I have been in a territory war with my husband and with work (though neither of them knew it). I have come unglued at least once a day. I hate disappointing our Lord. I hate being confronted with the ugliness that still exists within. But each new day is filled with new mercies. Tomorrow is another day, filled with grace to get through it. I can be confident of this. And if I can quiet my spirit long enough to tune into His Spirit He has gifted me, instead of drowning it out with my anxiety fueled attempt at a coup d'etat, I will find that new beat. His beat. And we can work on learning the steps to our new dance together, as a team, counting our very real blessings in such a difficult time for so many.
Grace and Peace to you all. May you and your loved ones stay safe and healthy with sufficient stores of toilet paper.